Friday, January 2, 2009

My Grandmother died yesterday

New Years had a bad start for me.My fathers mother passed away suddenly yesterday morning.
She and I were not very close.I never spent any time with her since I have been an adult.Everyone was at the hospital,all of her kids and grandkids, tears by the gallon from every eye.I did not cry because I have no memories of her.My Grandmother was almost a stranger to me and my sister.We were raised by our Mother and her parents.As a child I saw her often but I did not like her, she was so different from the way I was raised.
Yesterday I stood before her lifeless body and I shed 2 or 3 tears for her family that grieved for her.I felt sad for my father and his brothers and sister and my grandfather.I did feel bad for myself simply because I had no memory of any relationship between her and myself.I left the hospital feeling strange and empty.
I have lost the Grandparents that raised me when I was in my twenties.My heart still hurts from that loss.I was sad on New Years eve because it was my grandfathers birthday and I missed him.
Now I have one Grandparent left,but I do not know him.I am sad for his loss and I will be at the funeral to support the family even though I am a stranger among them.

3 comments:

chas said...

feeling like this when someone in your family dies sucks. it sucks that you are standing there wondering where did the time go? why didn't i try to make time to visit and get closer, or just pick up the phone. but, rachel...you can't beat yourself up about it. i hope you don't. i know how you feel because i have been in these shoes before. the best and most respectful thing you can do is just be there for the family, whether you are close to them or not...atleast for your dad. 2009 will be a good year. you have a little boy now that's going to keep you on your toes and you get to see him grow.

Joanne Kennedy said...

I'm so sorry about your grandmother deaths. I'm even more sorry you never got a chance to be close to her.

I was the same way with my grandmother. As a child I didn't even like to be around her. She never really liked kids. As an adult I was still scared of her.

When she died I did cry because I felt like I lost a part of my history I never really knew. I wish now I would have taken the time to sit down and talk to her about her life. Maybe I would have learned why she was the way she was.

You still have time to get to know your grandfather...if you want.

Hugs,
Joanne

Janna Qualman said...

I'm sorry for your family's loss. I hope the year will only spring upward from here.

I love the baby bottom photo! Bottoms and thighs are my favorite baby and toddler parts. LOVE 'em!

(PS. Found you through Barbara's Serenity Gate.)